Losing My Religion

I remember the exact moment it happened. The moment I realized that I believe there is no God. It is a moment in time I can pinpoint exactly - but it is also a long story that ironically, starts with conception.

My mother was 25, unmarried and catholic when she became pregnant with me. My mother is not a hypocrite. She did not think premarital sex was wrong. She did not think she had done anything wrong. So, she never, ever said she had done anything wrong. She did not want me to believe I was wrong, so she never let anyone say anything of the sort in front of me either. So, from the beginning, I was to view Catholicism as having rules that it is okay to break in some cases. Birth control - no problem. Premarital sex - fine as long as you love the person. It was more important to be nice to people and not hurt others. Hell? Well, it was for people who did really bad things.

So things were all well and good until I had to start participating in a real way. My biggest problem: Confession. I was a very good kid. Really. I'm not making this up. My mom says so. In any case, confession was a problem. What had I done wrong? I was an only child, so fights with siblings were a no go. I pretty much did what I was told. To come up with something to confess, I'd have to exaggerate things. Things like "I got mad at my mom when she said I could not...." This puzzled me though - doesn't everyone get mad sometimes? And I wasn't really all that mad. I needed something to confess, however, so I had to go with it. A few words, three Hail Marys and I was good to go. But I didn't really feel good. If I could have confessed to exaggerating in confession, something I actually did feel bad about, perhaps I would have been forgiven and felt better. In any case, my six year old brain had trouble with the whole idea.

I also had a lot of trouble with the stories in the bible. God asking people to sacrifice their children to him? Men having children with their servants just because their wives had fertility issues? Do the servants have a say in this? A god who wants to be worshiped? Isn't such a god suffering from pride, one of the seven deadly sins? Original sin? That doesn't seem very fair. Why is knowledge a bad thing, anyway? Such questions plagued me. Nothing made any sense.

We moved around a lot when I was younger and eventually, my mom fell out of the habit of going to church. My stepfather wasn't crazy about the Catholic church for various reasons, and we never were in one place long enough to become part of a congregation. My dissatisfaction with Catholicism and what I perceived to be inconsistencies in religion in general continued. Eventually, I figured I was a deist. Like Thomas Jefferson. Or perhaps agnostic.

I went to Catholic church once during the first few weeks in college. I'm not really sure why. I was curious. I left early, finding the experience - once so familiar - alien. I settled on agnostic. I was uncomfortable when people suggested I was an atheist. I was uncomfortable when my mother lamented that she had "let me down" by never arranging to have me confirmed in the Catholic church. I was uncomfortable when no one understood what agnostic meant. Sometimes I still called myself a deist. I was uncomfortable that no one knew what that was either.

I went to a college that focused on science, math and engineering. However, I took a lot of classics courses to meet humanities distribution requirements. In one of my classics courses, some questions came up regarding the plethora of minor spirits - nereids, niaids, dryads, oreads, etc. - basically the various types of nymphs and similar entities in Greek Mythology. "You have to understand," said my professor, with considerable passion "to them, everything was engodded." He meant this in the paganistic sense, of course, and it stuck with me for some time. I returned to it often, as this idea is fairly central to understanding many classical myths and stories.

Sometime later, while still in college, I was off somewhere standing near the top of a hill. The sun was shining and from where I stood, I could see trees, bushes and grass. Birds and a few insects were flying around. It was not an incredible view, just an ordinary, yet pleasant one. At that very moment, the ideas we discussed when studying mythology came back to me. And I saw it. I absolutely saw the trees and the grass and everything as engodded. Or, at the very least, I understood how a people could come to such a belief. And at that precise moment, when the paganism of ancient Greece made perfectly clear sense to me, and I may have even believed it for a moment, all religions became myth.

There was no turning back - something had fundamentally changed. I felt the loss of the belief system tied to me by my upbringing, but the loss seemed natural and inevitable, and I did not mourn. I was relieved. There were no more inconsistencies to ponder, no more problems defining who I was or what I believed. My former views were like remnants of dreams - those shadowy memories that float away as consciousness returns. I've come to realize that what I lost at that moment was not a belief in god, just my belief that I believed.

While Dr. H. was away....

Recently, I picked up the kids from preschool while Dr. H. was out of town. Some tears ensued upon reminding them where Daddy was. Everyone calmed down, and off we went. After 5 minutes in the car, my son started crying again.

Me: Dalton, are you sad because you miss Daddy?

Curie: No, Dalton's crying because Daddy is at a conference.

Existentialism....hmmm.,,,

You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” “It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.” --Jean-Paul Sartre “It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.” --Blaise Pascal More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page... Existentialism 100% Hedonism 95% Utilitarianism 65% Justice (Fairness) 60% Kantianism 45% Strong Egoism 40% Nihilism 20% Apathy 20% Divine Command 0% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

First seen at Better Living Through Chemistry.

The Value of Sabbatical

A senior colleague recently remarked that it must be so distracting for me to be at a university for my sabbatical. This comment was made to another colleague of ours who is of more recent vintage.

Younger colleague (YC) was appropriately shocked by his (SC's) comment. She (YC) asked what he meant. SC said all the group meetings and seminars must be distracting! YC set him straight, but she and I both found the attitude so odd. It is also not clear that SC was convinced.

To provide some context: my college is your standard small regional liberal arts college - sabbatical U is an R1 with fabulous research support. Obviously, the context is important here. At SLAC, I have a relatively high teaching load. This is typically something like 3 lectures 2 labs per semester. The exact lecture/lab ratio varies somewhat, as does the load between terms within but this is a good approximation. We have almost no tech support, so lab prep is also faculty responsibility. Research, then, takes a back seat to teaching during the academic year. While some time can be carved out for ongoing research, the truth is that the majority of this is done in the summer. For me, it is very difficult to initiate new projects in the small amount of time available in the summer.

Here's what I've found to be the true value of a sabbatical leave for me:

1. Exposure to new ideas
   
   Seminars and group meetings have been excellent opportunities to hear about what is going on in my subfield. We have only very sporadic research seminars at my SLAC. These are graduate school recruiting seminars and are rarely related to my subfield of study. At Sabbatical U, with frequent colloquiums and seminar series, there is no problem finding something relevant to attend. In fact, Sabbatical U has a biweekly interdisciplinary seminar series in my sub-sub-subfield. This series is narrowly enough defined that I'm sure it would be of little interest outside the target audience. In fact, the title of the series made YC laugh when she heard it. However, it is directly relevant to my research.
   
   Most seminars I've attended have given me at least one idea to use in research or teaching. So I guess they are distracting, but in a good way.
   
   I also have a budding collaboration with a seminar speaker. Though this was not originally in my plans, it has set me off in a new and exciting research direction. This kind of serendipity is priceless.
   
   
2. Time to read, talk, listen and discuss
   
   Working with people in the same research area has been a great way to learn new techniques, consider new approaches and get excited about science again. This is perhaps a no-brainer, but coming back after being out of the environment so long makes the contrast obvious. Sure, at my college we may discuss current literature in seminars occasionally, but these discussions are almost never relevant to my research. On the other hand, papers discussed in group meetings at Sabbatical U. usually are. Being in close proximity to other researchers allows me to "think out loud" and try out new ideas, and gives me immediate feedback and often very helpful advice. Having more time to devote to reading the literature has also been a luxury.
   
   
3. Time to think
   
   This is perhaps the most important thing for me. Having no teaching responsibilities this semester beyond picking textbooks and similar administrative tasks for the Fall has left me with much more time on my hands. Of course, this gives me a chance to actually make progress on the projects I am working on. However, the focused time to think - really think - about new ideas and directions has been the most refreshing thing. Sure, sometimes people get good ideas as epiphanies that just come to them. But, it seems that ideas flow much more freely for me when my brain is not focused on, say, my class prep for tomorrow. Instead, my brain has time to synthesize ideas from the paper I read this morning, the seminar I heard yesterday and something the grad student sharing my lab said twenty minutes ago. This I was not expecting, because it is hard to imagine synthesis happening until it does.
   

Of course, YC and I both realize that some group meetings and some seminars turn out to be unproductive. But, this is the price for the productive ones. One just hopes the ratio of productive to unproductive is suitably high.

YC and I discussed SC's comment. Considering it in his context is helpful. His last two sabbaticals (at least) involved preparing something specific related to teaching. In both cases, he had a well defined project and knew 95%-100% of what he needed to to implement it. His goals did not include working out plans for research for the next X years, as mine do. In his case, he believes that going to seminars would have taken away some of what one might call his "production time."

In my case, I needed time to work on research projects. I also needed to learn a few new techniques to stay current in my field. But, none of this would truly make a difference in my professional life if I don't have new research ideas that might be publishable. Thanks to my sabbatical leave, I think I do.

Hey, focus on your own family. Thanks.

The House has passed a hate crimes bill. I'd be excited if it weren't for the lack of a veto proof majority (212 is a long way from 290). The Time's one line summary:

The bill, extending “hate crime” protections to include sexuality, is likely to face a veto from President Bush.

The usual suspects are up in arms. You know, people who focus on other people's families and women who are concerned about other's peoples sex lives.

In any case, this makes me want to share two completely unrelated thoughts:

1. A great book for kids discussing all kinds of families is Todd Parr's The Family Book. Actually, I like quite a bit of his stuff including The Peace Book, The Mommy Book and The Daddy Book. Some time ago, I introduced my much-more-hippie-than-me sister-in-law to his books. Unfortunately, this resulted in us both buying The Peace Book for the daughter of a second cousin. But I digress. These are great books for encouraging tolerance.

2. On a totally different subject, it's Leather Pride Week in Sydney! Blogthings knows this, apparently:

You Belong in Australia

Ace! Sunny, upbeat, and cute You make the perfect surf bum Now stop hogging the vegemite!

What English Speaking Country Are You?

Overheard - Tales from Undergraduate Life

On Sabbatical U's campus:

Female student on cell phone, slowly:

"I mean, they have to realize that my abilities will be, well, drunk - very hungover."

I didn't know abilities could get hammered. Good to know.

Male student, talking to friend:

"I looked at the clock and thought...hmmm, eleven-fifty - I *could* go to my English seminar, but then I don't care. More sleep."

About Facebook

So, I have somewhat recently succumbed to the Facebook phenomenon. It happened like this: I needed a picture of some cool science-y thing I did with the students for a presentation. I'd heard that one student had put the pictures up on Facebook so I join ed to see her albums. I sent her a message asking for permission to use a few pictures. At once, several students added me "as a friend on Facebook". In any case, this continued and I now have a number of student friends.

I have elected to stay on Facebook for the time being to see how it goes. One nice thing: I recently was added as a friend by a former student (now in grad school) so I now know what he is up to. Another "grown up" friend sends me links to disturbing science You Tube videos via my "Wall". Anyway, I see the usefulness.

I also see what my students are doing instead of doing their homework.

More specifically, I've seen how often they update their status as well as how often they change their profile pictures and write on one another's walls. I assure you it is often. Very often. So, under the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" philosophy, I wonder about using it in teaching. I'm thinking about creating a class group for one of my smaller classes (where everyone is already on Facebook) to see how it might be useful. I've used regular e-mail, formal listservs, blackboard and the like with mixed success. Perhaps there will be an advantage here in that the students are already using this particular implementation of technology all the time anyway. In this article, José Bowen likens using Facebook for class networking to showing up for dinner in the students' dorm - regular e-mail is more like asking a student to come to your office hours. I like the contrast here - why not meet them where they are?

I am not so worried about them doing Facebook in class, as this group tends to put their laptops and cell phones away when class starts. There was a post about this issue at Learning Curves recently, and an interesting piece in the Chronicle in January. I am worried about it in larger lower division classes. Lucky me though, I have all small classes next semester.

Everyone's doing it

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The best possible outcome

A month or so ago, I applied for an open Assistant Dean position at my college. I had mixed feelings, as it is something I would like to do down the line, but not now. I've had a productive and helpful sabbatical so far and have about two or three years worth of research projects planned. (It's amazing how having time to think and reflect helps one think clearly.)

I decided to apply anyway. Two reasons: (a) the opening is now not later and (b) there are several other administrative things that will be coming up shortly, so I thought it advisable to apply for the assistant dean to get on the radar.

To: twice@slac.edu
From: dean@slac.edu
Date: April 27, 2007
Re: Assistant Dean Position
.
.
.

[Insert stuff here about candidate chosen (not me) and why. Fabulous choice btw.]
.
.
.


I was very, very impressed with your interview and think that it would be Small College's loss if you did not continue to be involved in administrative work at the College. I would like to talk to you about this more. Would you be willing to give [administrative assistant] a call and set up a time to meet?

I could be wrong, but I think this means I am on the radar.

Digestion and Dirty Words

A few things happened in the space of 20 minutes this evening:

-Dr. H stubs toe, swears-

Curie: "Damn it, Damn it, Damn it"

Curie: "Damn it" (sing-song) "Damn it!" (more sing-song)

-other stuff happens-

-I wonder out loud whether toddlers recognize the connection between food and poop-

Curie: "Food and poop together!"

Curie: "Food and poop together!"

Dalton: "Food and poop....together!"

- Dr. H remarks that he has to start being more careful about what he says --

Curie: "Fuck! Fuuuuuck! FUUUUCK!"

Two Remarks

• From Bob Park's What's New from April 20th:
  

  
  Students who participated in sexual abstinence programs were just as likely to have sex as those who did not, according to a study ordered by Congress. Nor did they have fewer sex partners, or wait longer to become sexually active. The report, released late last Friday, comes just after the abrupt resignation of Dr. Eric Keroack, an anti-birth control zealot, appointed by Bush just four months ago to head the Office of Population Affairs of the Department of Health and Human Services. A non-board-certified gynecologist/obstetrician who operates six Christian anti- abortion centers in Massachusetts, Keroack had been notified of a state investigation into his private practice.

  
  Okay, I'm glad Keroack resigned, but how did I miss this guy was appointed in the first place?
  
  
  
• See Abortion Clinic Days for a reaction to the recent supreme court decision. For a personal account, see Cicily's post at And I Wasted All That Birth Control. Don't try reading the last without tissues nearby.
  

Special note to my husband's relatives

In the future, please do not put any of my clothes in the dryer without asking me. Even if my husband says it is okay. Thank you.