What not to do if you are in a one-year position hoping to become tenure-track

* Announce to the department chair that your freshman students will be in his office tomorrow because you are going to ream them out in class today.

* Disappointed that the students don't know how to do something, get angry and tell them if they fuck up at their [health-related] jobs in the future, they will kill people.

* Use "fuck" four times in your rant, but never tell the students why you are mad. Do this dramatically enough that word gets around and other students start using "pulled a [your last name] on so-and-so" synonymously with "told so-and-so off". Bonus points if faculty in other departments hear about the rant and mention it to the department chair.

* Ignore all advice/course materials/handouts given to you by others who have taught the courses you are teaching. Instead, change your materials, style and approach daily, doing the first thing that comes into your head.

* Make fun of a senior level student for not knowing a conversion factor. Do this when the student is the only one available to be your lab assistant for two different labs. Make sure to keep making fun of him for about 15 minutes in front of a room full of freshman women.

* Exclaim in a happy voice "Only 1/3 of my class is getting D's or F's!" without determining whether this is typical for the course you are teaching.

* Go through 9 chapters of a 24 chapter, two-semester text in the first three weeks of class.

* Assume the other faculty member who prepped your lab when you were behind was happy to do it.