Gender Bender

Recently, my son said "Mommy, I wanna wear the kitty underwear!"

By kitty, he meant the Hello Kitty (TM) girls underwear purchased for my daughter.

I paused for about three seconds. Then I cheerily said "Sure!"

I'm not proud that I paused. I think pink is for girls is a silly and unfortunate rule. I think it is silly that toddler underwear is gendered at all. Moreover, I have no problem with crossdressing - or behavior or dress that crosses gendered lines. Really. Reversed gender roles are quite common in our house and among our coupled friends. Androgyny, especially in dress, seems popular among our friends as well. And we have a friend or three who crossdress on occasion. One of my favorite comments at a party held by us was: "He wears those with the panache of a man who's worn garters before." But I digress.

So, back to my son. I do not really have a problem with him wearing girls underwear. But still, I paused. Why? Is it just overwhelming social conditioning? Am I giving myself too much credit to hope that part of the pause was practical - I mean, perhaps I was concerned that we have a limited amount of kitty underwear? After all, if both kids want to wear it we'll run out faster. But alas, I probably cannot let myself off that easy. I am pleased to say that we now have plenty of kitty underwear to go around. Also, as luck would have it, my daughter now wants to wear the choo-choo-train underwear. (Thomas, nominally for boys, in case there was any doubt.)

The vast majority of the differences I see in my son and daughter, I believe are due to them being totally different people. Maybe some of it is gender, but I don't know how much. Little, I suspect. I do think a fascinating question is this: To what extent do the genders differ, and how much is DNA and how much is society? My husband even does research on such things.

Where my children are concerned, I would like them to grow up in an environment where their genes/inherent personalities are allowed to express themselves, and are less burdened with societal-enforced gender roles. Given that we live in a society where children are bombarded with gendered messages constantly, what can I do? Having a girl and a boy at the same time helps. All toys are everyone's toys at this stage, so there is no problem. As they get older, this will be more problematic, especially where gifts are concerned. My hippy sister-in-law and I get along in part because I am the relative that buys her daughter cars instead of dolls. Gifts from her are no problem. But what to do about my mother?

Case in point: When my twins were about 5 months old, Dalton was trying out yelling while throwing things from his exersaucer.

My mother: He's such a boy! From the moment he was born....

Me: What do you mean?

My mother: Well, Dalton has always been loud. Much louder than Curie. You know, yelling like a boy, right from the beginning.

Me: What are you talking about? He was quiet. His cries sounded like "La La La". Curie, now she demanded attention, loudly. Forcefully, at the top of her lungs: Whaaa!

My mother: Really? Well, I seem to remember Dalton being the loud one.

Me: No [then to myself only: No no no no NO!]

Now, I have my own faults in this regard. We have some gender specific clothes. Curie has long hair and shoes with butterflies. Dalton has short hair and shoes without butterflies. The hairstyles seem to suit them, the shoes fit, and their father has long hair, so I'm cutting myself some slack here. But, I'm going to try my darnedest to burden them with little more than butterflies.

The recent brouhaha over The Dangerous Book for Boys has certainly got everyone riled up. I don't even know where to start, but here is a "for" from Tertia and an "against" from Raising WEG.

Me, all I have to say is "No no no no NO!"

Hopefully, no one will buy it for Dalton for his birthday. Just something with kitties.